Waking Up Is Hard To Do

It seems that there comes a time in every human life when they get so caught up in the worldly routine of being in a routine that one eventually begins to die a little and turn into a soulless robot of sorts. Well, I recently realized that I have gone through that exact process and for a while have been trying to figure out what I could possibly do to "wake up" and bring myself back to life. I have just been going through the motions and letting auto pilot be the guide. Which we all know is never a good idea. Though it gives us a break from making an effort, the end result usually could have turned out better if we had just continued guiding the wheel ourselves the entire time; even if it meant having to change gears a bit. This week has provided quite the turn of events in my robotic path. It turns out this tin woman does have a heart, a soul, and a brain, and the ability to control each one of them and all at the same time even! The event that got the ball rolling was Wednesday night after a long day of school and work when my boss had the impression (for whatever reason) to ask if I was okay as I was putting something away in the office. In short, that single act of kindness made by her was just enough to get the ball rolling and help me make that breakthrough of being able to sob like a baby, begin to confront some issues in reality and finally say "hello" to my long lost friend -- myself. I am so grateful for what she did that even I couldn't do for myself. Anyway, since then I have continued to gradually feel lighter, happier, more peaceful, and like I'm making progress in regaining my center. Sometimes help comes in the strangest of ways.
Now onto today, Sunday. I realize that just because I'm making progress that I have absolutely no guarantee whatsoever of things going "smoothly" but that's because waking up is often very hard to do. Today has been yet another help-meat in my journey. While driving to work this afternoon I decided to turn the radio to 106.5 "Sounds of the Sabbath" instead of listening to the normal non religious music. I don't remember what was playing when I first turned to that station, but what I certainly do remember is when this song Gentle Savior by David Phelps came on. Never has a song touched me in such a significant, true to form way. It was though I couldn't imagine those lyrics or even the musical notes as being written and composed for anybody else than me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDtS854RVzA&feature=fvst This song is so special to me now and I really want to share it. Listen closely.
As I continued to drive and the song ended, my eyes caught sight of the dash behind the steering wheel. So poignantly lit was the Low Fuel sign. An instrumental rendition of the hymn "O Lord My God" then started to play, and all I could think was that just as my car needed to be replenished of fuel so did I. When we neglect filling up weekly, biweekly or even daily (depending on how much we're traveling) it is much harder on our car. The very same goes for our spirit-ometer. The more we ride with the Low Fuel light on, the more likely we are to break down, need a new engine, and be stuck having to depend on others to help us get from place to place. Well what happens when we've used up or maybe even abused our options and we are left with nothing but our own two feet to get us places? Eventually we'll walk (or run) to the gas station to fill up a small container with just enough gasoline to take back and put in the car to get us directly back to fill up all the way. So, as I'm still driving and pondering, epiphany-ing and listening, the hymn ends and the radio host comes on with a short spiritual thought type of segment. She proceeds to share a quote (I wish I could remember the whole thing) about people that are moral cowards. They don't do what they know is right even if it's what they really want to do, because they are afraid of being laughed at, mocked or scorned by those who do not believe in or share the same values or sentiments. I never knew how to "explain" myself before that moment. It is entirely amazing how quickly moral cowardice can creep in and take hold. Why are we so willing to impress the ones that will make fun of and quite possibly condemn us for doing, thinking, saying, and believing in something we find to be important? What is trivial to one person may be of the highest importance to another, and we can never truly know how those things weigh out. But what we *can* and *should* do is let what's important to a person, be important to a person. In conclusion I guess I'm just trying to say "Hello there, I was in a coma for a while but I'm coming to." Or something profound like that. :)

Hiding Behind Glass

My eye-sight is very poor, so much so that without contact lenses or glasses I'm barely safe just walking around my house for a few minutes at a time before I break something around me or injure myself on an object I failed to see. Am I near-sighted or far-sighted? The answer is yes. As a "starving student" contacts are too expensive, so I wear this nifty invention of plastic and glass on my face and just make do. However, there is more to it than just trying to be cost effective. There is an underlying hope that I wear with them. (It must be that "special coating" they charge you an extra seventy-five dollars for.) A hope that I can also hide behind the glass and be just invisible enough so that people will overlook my flaws. My glasses are my shield. My shield from emotion, my shield from reality, my shield from life. I tell people I feel more studious when I wear my glasses. Replace that S-word with safe and you've got the real reason. The glass has been looking permanently smudged and dingy for quite some time now. It's also time for a new prescription. The lack of clarity is annoying to me because my poor vision is crippled that much more, and yet it has a very calming affect. Think of a very young child who, in their simple virgin mind, believes that if they cover their eyes and face it makes them invisible to others simply because they themselves cannot see anything at the present time. "If I can't see them they can't see me". There are days when the glass isn't enough and you know that you need a better shield. Does my brain really think that this small ocular device is truly going to guard and protect me? If only I could hide behind a bigger piece of glass. For whatever reason, as transparent as it is...it keeps me safe. So I keep hiding, thinking "If I can't see you, you can't see me."

Finishing The Beginning

Here's a little side note in my blog:

I've just noticed that I have about 12 drafts of entries I really want to finish but just can't for some reason. At least not yet. It's really funny to me how I have a lot of things that I've begun but haven't finished and I wonder when the time will come that I actually follow through. It seems like that's a problem with a lot of people with life in general, and is something that my boss likes to call "half-assing it". I tell ya what, I'm getting significantly better at not "half-assing it" with a lot of things in life. At any rate, I just wanted to share how funny and befuddling it was for me to see that many drafts of unfinished business, if you will.