In And Out And In Dependence

Happy 4th of July and food and fun and fireworks! Look at us, we made a HUGE turn around in history when some guy wearing a wig and pretentious smile turned to another guy wearing a tailcoat and monocle, to put together one of the greatest writings this nation has ever been blessed with - the Declaration of Independence. Forgive me if I sound a little sardonic at times, I promise you it is not a huffy whine of an ingrate, it's just that I have a very bittersweet taste in my mouth from the sugar coated ideology that is the American "Independence" of today. We all know the history of this amazing day and quite frankly it is amazing for so many reasons - it has given us the ability to move and think and say and do and advance in just about every way imaginable. It might sound like I'm talking about the Constitution, but while that is another wonderful piece of paper, it is not going to share the spotlight today. I am no political guru or historical buff, not by any means...but I do live in America (though sometimes I wonder if the other inhabitants are still living in America in their hearts and in their minds...much of the time it seems the lights are on but nobody's home...) and I truly fear for myself and my loved ones and their loved ones, etc., etc., on a daily basis. America has become so fixated on a hypnotic state of independence that everything is just as free as it used to be...that we are just as free as we used to be. Granted, there are many who are "wising up" and trying their darnedest to have their little voices shouting from the top of their little lungs on their little anthill be heard and heeded by the giants of the land who can so swiftly crush our semiannual parade-going, bbq-ing, firework-ing, red-white-and-blue-wearing, star-spangled-banner-singing lives to nothing but dust. At least we had some delicious hamburgers and got to make designs in the night air with our sparklers...weeeeeee...!

Charlotte Bronte, a character in one of my favorite books (Jane Eyre) said, “I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.” Alright miss Bronte, we share the sentiment, and we will continue to prove it by droning about the land fulfilling all the duties of a "free" America(n) by being corporate slaves, media slaves, domestic slaves, political slaves...we are bought and paid for...but at least we have our independent will! ;D If Thomas Paine stated “These are the times that try men's souls.” way back in the late 1700's, he would roll over in his grave if he knew how much worse things have been and what exactly "We the people..." has turned into with today's society and leaders. We have such a skewed sense of what freedom is now days, somehow the word freedom has had a Siamese twin baby and it's name is rebellion and ignorance. “We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.” - Benjamin Franklin

After all that babbling, I feel I have quenched my blog-thirst and it is now time to rest my everything so that I can fully participate in the "Freedom Festival" of this national holiday. All the aforementioned having been said, I do wish to say one final peace...
To all the men and women who continually give of themselves in order to maintain the freedom that this nation does have - I thank you. I commend you. To all the hearts and minds of true patriotism - never stand still, but be immovable. To all those who have gone before, I am truly grateful. Let Freedom Ring.

Not So Merry Go Round

This moment, right here and now, this is for me. It's a moment for me to attempt to stop this ride that I'm painstakingly stuck on. Sometimes the things in life that seem fun at first can turn out to be my worst nightmare if I don't properly assess the situation and have a solid game plan. This life keeps going round and round, and it is not always so merry, in fact it can be devilishly horrible when trying to find my way through the crowds of projections passing through. When I'm trapped in the amusement park of my mind it can sometimes be quite opposite from amusing. The best thing to do is to keep looking for the attendant that knows the place far better than I ever could. He can help me get to where I'm going, He can help me start or stop any ride at any time. I just have to pay attention to where He places the maps of the park for added help.


 Sometimes I write things. And sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it. But I'm back.

In Memory Of Kaitlyn Stoutsenburger, 08/10/1989 - 03/22/2012

The queen of the Tinker Bell fan club. The talented one that would always try to include me in the choir and drama things even though I was severely lacking in the talent department. Haha, you set me up on my first blind date ever...which turned out to be absolutely terrible. You were one of the first people to befriend me my first year of public school in 9th grade. I remember all the times we would sluff class and make up the most ridiculous excuses. All those times we would practice musical arrangements for various school things or for absolutely no reason at all but just for the pure fun and enjoyment of it. All those fun, random adventures we would have when hanging out. Our many late night conversations. Haha and girl, you sure can move on the dance floor. So much talent for such a small-town "ordinary" girl. Girl, you weren't ordinary at all! You saved my skin so many times and always watched out for my well-being. I'm only sorry I didn't take more advantage of the time I was fortunate enough to have you in my life. But I look forward to the day that I can hug you again and tell you that in person. I love you, Kate Stoutsenberger. Keep developing those 5 Star talents of yours! ;)

One of my dear friends passed away on Thursday, March 22 around 9:30 A.M.
Kaitlyn, affectionately known as Kat, had been one of my best friends since 9th grade (my first year in public school) and was one of the very first people to befriend me. It was during auditions for the play Crazy For You that we met. She took me under her wing and would rehearse with me in the lunch room almost every day after school. We remained really close until the beginning of senior year when I transferred schools. Life kept changing, and we did too...and just grew apart, going in our new paths. We talked from time to time over the past few years, but I foolishly stopped talking to her at a time in my life when I was trying to eliminate stress and drama. I stupidly thought that getting rid of a lot of the people in my life would take care of that for me. Needless to say, that was one of the biggest mistakes I could have made. The guilt and heartache that I feel for making that choice is excruciating...but somehow, through this past week, I've felt her love for me and had the peace that she knows I love her and always did.

Your viewing on Wednesday was absolutely your style, Kat. There was a playlist of your favorite songs going on, bright and cheerful flowers everywhere, pictures and posters of most of your performances, blue ballons, even your casket was a pretty blue, and you even had on a white top with a cute blue sweater and a blue flower in your hair. :) It was a difficult night for everyone, but everything about it was exactly your style and it was almost as if you were trying to say "Hey guys, I'm okay now, SMILE." There was the most beautiful sunset, and then it started to sprinkle. Very fitting. :)
Your funeral services were yesterday...and boy was it beautiful. Your parents were having a little more of a struggle than the night before, but your sisters seemed to be doing a little better than the night before. I'm sure there will be good days and bad days for quite some time. The entire service was comprised of musical numbers performed by some of your friends, your cousins, and your sisters. Your aunt spoke in the middle of the program and your bishop spoke at the end and bore his testimony. Haha your aunt is hilarious, but mostly because of what she had to say about you and your quick-witted humor. Your aunt told a story of time when you were on your way home from working at Spanish 8 Theater and it was really late, and you got pulled over by one of Spanish Fork's finest. He asked for your license and registration and once you gave it to him he said "Hey, your eyes are kind of red and bloodshot, have you been smoking pot?" and without missing a beat you replied "Hey, your eyes are kind of glazed over, have you been eating doughnuts?" to which he gave you your ID back and said "Get home safely." Hahaha, another story that she told was about this girl that would make fun of you all the time when you were a Jr. in high school and one time she said "You dress like a 7th grader." and you instantly popped off with "Well I guess you would know since you were there for 3 years." Hahaha oh those stories just get me, because that is TOTALLY how you were! You were so kind and so genuine and sweet, but if anybody messed with you or your loved ones...WATCH OUT! ;p A couple of the musical numbers were Jimmy and Chad sang a duet that was sooo good, and Jimmy sang a song that was uh-may-zing! He did his absolute best to keep his composure but completely lost it towards the end...it was so precious. Your grave site was lovely and your father gave a sweet dedicatory prayer. The weather was very beautiful and sunny with a slight breeze. Very peaceful. :)
Anyway, I would go on and on with every little detail if I could. Soooo many people came to both your viewing the night before, and the services the next day. You impacted a TON of lives. :)
It's hard to understand why things happen the way they do...and it's hard to understand death...more-so this time around than with any other losses I've experienced. But I know that you are happy. I know that you are healthy and not in pain anymore. You were ill for as long as I knew you. I bet you're putting together the best choir ever up there. ;)

Rest In Peace, my dear Kat. You will forever be in my heart.

Waking Up Is Hard To Do

It seems that there comes a time in every human life when they get so caught up in the worldly routine of being in a routine that one eventually begins to die a little and turn into a soulless robot of sorts. Well, I recently realized that I have gone through that exact process and for a while have been trying to figure out what I could possibly do to "wake up" and bring myself back to life. I have just been going through the motions and letting auto pilot be the guide. Which we all know is never a good idea. Though it gives us a break from making an effort, the end result usually could have turned out better if we had just continued guiding the wheel ourselves the entire time; even if it meant having to change gears a bit. This week has provided quite the turn of events in my robotic path. It turns out this tin woman does have a heart, a soul, and a brain, and the ability to control each one of them and all at the same time even! The event that got the ball rolling was Wednesday night after a long day of school and work when my boss had the impression (for whatever reason) to ask if I was okay as I was putting something away in the office. In short, that single act of kindness made by her was just enough to get the ball rolling and help me make that breakthrough of being able to sob like a baby, begin to confront some issues in reality and finally say "hello" to my long lost friend -- myself. I am so grateful for what she did that even I couldn't do for myself. Anyway, since then I have continued to gradually feel lighter, happier, more peaceful, and like I'm making progress in regaining my center. Sometimes help comes in the strangest of ways.
Now onto today, Sunday. I realize that just because I'm making progress that I have absolutely no guarantee whatsoever of things going "smoothly" but that's because waking up is often very hard to do. Today has been yet another help-meat in my journey. While driving to work this afternoon I decided to turn the radio to 106.5 "Sounds of the Sabbath" instead of listening to the normal non religious music. I don't remember what was playing when I first turned to that station, but what I certainly do remember is when this song Gentle Savior by David Phelps came on. Never has a song touched me in such a significant, true to form way. It was though I couldn't imagine those lyrics or even the musical notes as being written and composed for anybody else than me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDtS854RVzA&feature=fvst This song is so special to me now and I really want to share it. Listen closely.
As I continued to drive and the song ended, my eyes caught sight of the dash behind the steering wheel. So poignantly lit was the Low Fuel sign. An instrumental rendition of the hymn "O Lord My God" then started to play, and all I could think was that just as my car needed to be replenished of fuel so did I. When we neglect filling up weekly, biweekly or even daily (depending on how much we're traveling) it is much harder on our car. The very same goes for our spirit-ometer. The more we ride with the Low Fuel light on, the more likely we are to break down, need a new engine, and be stuck having to depend on others to help us get from place to place. Well what happens when we've used up or maybe even abused our options and we are left with nothing but our own two feet to get us places? Eventually we'll walk (or run) to the gas station to fill up a small container with just enough gasoline to take back and put in the car to get us directly back to fill up all the way. So, as I'm still driving and pondering, epiphany-ing and listening, the hymn ends and the radio host comes on with a short spiritual thought type of segment. She proceeds to share a quote (I wish I could remember the whole thing) about people that are moral cowards. They don't do what they know is right even if it's what they really want to do, because they are afraid of being laughed at, mocked or scorned by those who do not believe in or share the same values or sentiments. I never knew how to "explain" myself before that moment. It is entirely amazing how quickly moral cowardice can creep in and take hold. Why are we so willing to impress the ones that will make fun of and quite possibly condemn us for doing, thinking, saying, and believing in something we find to be important? What is trivial to one person may be of the highest importance to another, and we can never truly know how those things weigh out. But what we *can* and *should* do is let what's important to a person, be important to a person. In conclusion I guess I'm just trying to say "Hello there, I was in a coma for a while but I'm coming to." Or something profound like that. :)

Hiding Behind Glass

My eye-sight is very poor, so much so that without contact lenses or glasses I'm barely safe just walking around my house for a few minutes at a time before I break something around me or injure myself on an object I failed to see. Am I near-sighted or far-sighted? The answer is yes. As a "starving student" contacts are too expensive, so I wear this nifty invention of plastic and glass on my face and just make do. However, there is more to it than just trying to be cost effective. There is an underlying hope that I wear with them. (It must be that "special coating" they charge you an extra seventy-five dollars for.) A hope that I can also hide behind the glass and be just invisible enough so that people will overlook my flaws. My glasses are my shield. My shield from emotion, my shield from reality, my shield from life. I tell people I feel more studious when I wear my glasses. Replace that S-word with safe and you've got the real reason. The glass has been looking permanently smudged and dingy for quite some time now. It's also time for a new prescription. The lack of clarity is annoying to me because my poor vision is crippled that much more, and yet it has a very calming affect. Think of a very young child who, in their simple virgin mind, believes that if they cover their eyes and face it makes them invisible to others simply because they themselves cannot see anything at the present time. "If I can't see them they can't see me". There are days when the glass isn't enough and you know that you need a better shield. Does my brain really think that this small ocular device is truly going to guard and protect me? If only I could hide behind a bigger piece of glass. For whatever reason, as transparent as it is...it keeps me safe. So I keep hiding, thinking "If I can't see you, you can't see me."

Finishing The Beginning

Here's a little side note in my blog:

I've just noticed that I have about 12 drafts of entries I really want to finish but just can't for some reason. At least not yet. It's really funny to me how I have a lot of things that I've begun but haven't finished and I wonder when the time will come that I actually follow through. It seems like that's a problem with a lot of people with life in general, and is something that my boss likes to call "half-assing it". I tell ya what, I'm getting significantly better at not "half-assing it" with a lot of things in life. At any rate, I just wanted to share how funny and befuddling it was for me to see that many drafts of unfinished business, if you will.

Just A Thougt Of Mine

The power that we gain from the genuine love of others gives us the ability to do insurmountable things, to go beyond our fears, to look past the confinements of man and to venture into the "unknown", knowing that we have stopped talking and started doing. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
This so-called "playing it safe" will, more often than not, be more of a loss and a never ending tale of "I could have" and "I should have" to any single person than if they gave their all to do what they truly love in life and take a few "hits" in the process. It's called learning. We can't learn if we're never given the opportunity to explore...including giving ourselves permission to do so. If we can cultivate and apply this concept, we will be a much happier, much healthier people than ever before. We will be able to walk with strength that none of our predecessors have been fortunate enough to know. We decide where we go in life and we decide where life goes with us.